How I found my personal style
Not clickbait I promise!
Conventional wisdom asks us to “just be yourself.” But how do you do that and how do you do that visually?
I did an AMA on Instagram recently and got this question:
“How did you find your personal style?”
How does one even begin to answer that in an IG story? Nevertheless, I tried.
And then I got a bunch of replies saying: wait, can you flesh this out more?
So, here’s the post. Let’s start with definitions. Because how I define personal style is the foundation of how I found mine.
Personal style happens when you’re clear on who you are—and you’re able to show that to the world without having to say a word.
That’s it.
It’s not about taste or trends. See, I like Zimmermann so it falls in the range of my taste but it’s not my personal style. And I am drawn to some trends (jelly shoes) and not to others (that Toteme scarf jacket thing), but that doesn’t define my personal style. Those are just fleeting preferences, which is obviously OK.
There’s also no such thing as “good style” vs. “bad style” if we’re actually talking about personal style. And you don’t have to agree with someone else’s, either. Why would you? You’re not them. You don’t know. They know. That’s kind of the whole point.
But here’s what anyone can tell. When someone is happy with how they present themselves, EVERYONE knows. That energetic alignment is clear, obvious, and magnetic.
Also worth saying: personal style isn’t a finish line you cross. You don’t figure it out and then live happily ever after in one perfect blazer. Style evolves. You evolve. Your body, your brain, your priorities, these things shift. And one day you might look in the mirror and realize something is off.
That’s not failure. That’s WAI i.e. Working As Intended, as we say in my industry. Because personal style is something you’re in conversation with. A practice and an ongoing journey! And that, honestly, is what makes it fun.
My 3-step framework for finding personal style
There are many valid ways to approach style—Pinterest boards, mood collages, style icons, closet purges. And I love those! But the method that actually helped me build a style that felt mine is a little slower. A little deeper. And in my humble opinion, way more efficient long term.
It goes like this:
1. High self-awareness + acceptance
2. A clear idea of who you want to show up as
3. Knowing how to translate #2 into clothes, accessories, and hair
Let’s break that down.
Step 1: High self-awareness + acceptance
You can’t have personal style if you don’t know the person.
I don’t mean in a “take yourself out on a solo date” kind of way (although sure, do that too). I mean the deeper kind of knowing. The kind that requires looking at your patterns, your conditioning, your contradictions. The kind that reveals not just what you’re drawn to, but why. This can be scary, and it is easier to not want to look. But it is so much better to fight that instinct and figure this out anyway.
Because the truth is, most of us aren’t dressing from our actual selves. We’re dressing from approval-seeking, self-protection, old identities we’ve outgrown, stories someone else told us about our bodies or what looks “good” or “appropriate.”
Self-awareness is what lets you notice all that. Acceptance is what keeps you from getting stuck there.
When you actually see yourself i.e. your energy, your values, your needs, you stop trying to use clothes to fix something that isn’t broken. You start using style to reflect something that’s already whole.
And while this isn’t an overnight revelation, it is something you can practice. If you're stuck on self-awareness, here’s a whole toolkit of exercises I’ve used (and loved). You don’t need to do them all, pick one that feels doable and start there. Self awareness is a life-long journey, not a one and done.
Therapy
The obvious one. No notes. Just yes. Style touches so many deeper things like belonging, safety, power, identity. Therapy helps you unstick it all.Somatic work (I live in LA I gotta say at least one esoteric thing)
Whether it’s breathwork, body scans, or just moving differently, getting into your body can show you what you actually like, not what you’ve just been performing.
(And let’s be honest, style lives in the body.)The intro circle
Gather a group of people who don’t know each other well. Maybe friends of friends meetup or a local Substack hang? Each person does a 60-second self-intro. Everyone else writes down 3 words that describe them. It’s wild what people pick up on when they aren’t seeing you through your whole history.
My results from the intro circle The gif test
Ask people who love you to send you one gif that is you. No explanation. Just vibes. What patterns emerge?Your emotional bibliography
List the books, shows, or movies that emotionally wrecked you, in a good way. What connects them? What do they feel like? What values do you see emerge from this?Eavesdrop on yourself
Record a voice memo where you talk to someone about something you love. Then play it back like a scientist. What tone do you use? What words do you repeat? That’s your natural energy.Perfect day visualization
Write out your ideal day in ridiculous detail. Like: what mug are you drinking from? What’s the texture of your socks? What music is playing while you make eggs? Then ask yourself: what are the things you value in life? What do you take pride in? How do you show up on your perfect day? Energetically, not visually.Quote collecting
I learned this from Amy Smilovic: keep a running list of quotes that make you feel seen. When you gather enough, they start to form a little thesis. What’s the energy of someone who lives by these quotes?Card sort values exercise
Google it. Do it fast. Don’t overthink it. Your values are so important is understanding what you…well, value!Name your paradoxes
We’re all contradictions. You might be nurturing and direct. Romantic and unsentimental. Chill and high-functioning. Naming your paradoxes is KEY to finding out what values make you uniquely you.
A sense of who you are will start to rise up1.
This is where Step 2 comes in.
Step 2: A clear idea of who you want to show up as
So. You’ve started listening. You’re building a sense of self. Amazing.
Now ask yourself: who do I want to be seen as? How do I want to show up in my own life, in my own body, with my own values?
This is where people get tripped up. They either:
Drown in possibility.
Or cling to aesthetics that look good but don’t feel like them.
Which is why I use the 3 Word Method.
You can read the full post I wrote on this here (interestingly my most popular post), but the short version is:
Choose three words that describe how you want to feel in your clothes.
Not how you want to look on Pinterest. Not the vibe of your favorite influencer.
The energy you want to carry through your day.
Mine are: Chill, Modern, Commanding.
Some prompts to get you started:
What 3 words describe your energy when you feel most like yourself?
How do you want people to feel around you?
What compliments about you—not your outfit—have stuck with you the longest?
How do you want to feel in your body most days?
If you’re still stuck, imagine your best friend had to describe you to someone new. What would they say?
They’re not just style words. They’re words that describe your essence. If this feels intimidating, hey, all you need is a starting point. Ultimately you will test these words, find out what you like, what you don’t like, and evolve them as you evolve.
Once you know them, you start to filter everything—color, shape, texture, layering—through that lens.
But let’s just say you are not a 3 style words person. That is OK. But find SOME way to put into words what you are going for. Language is powerful, and I do believe what you cannot describe you cannot achieve visually (at least not intentionally).
talks about DNA which is another way of getting to the same idea. Or idk maybe you prefer having 10 words. Or a poem. Or something! Pick your tool, but don’t skip this step.Step 3: Learning how to translate that into style
This part sounds intuitive. And it is. But intuition is a little misunderstood. I think intuition is just knowledge you’ve internalized deeply enough that you don’t have to think about it. Your body already knows.
The problem is: we override it constantly. We tell ourselves black and brown don’t go together. That oversized is sloppy. That flats make us look stumpy. That our mom said wide-leg pants aren’t flattering. That heels = effort. That effort = trying too hard. So part of this step is about unlearning.
But the other part is learnable. For real. For me, graphic design helped. I started noticing how visual tension works—lines, contrast, balance, shape. That absolutely shows up in how I dress.
That’s also why I write the way I do here. Why I have posts on lines and shapes, why I created color formulas, and why I treat a sheer skirt like a styling tool instead of a trend.
Because once you understand how these elements work, you start building fluency.
And when you’re fluent you trust yourself. Even when it feels “off.” Or maaaybe especially then.
I also learn constantly from others.
, , , , , , , … everyone2 brings a different lens that helps me sharpen my intuition. And you are reading this on Substack too so I am guessing you are subscribed to some of these folks and find this part resonating.So that’s the good news: we’re all figuring this out together.
Seriously, no one has this down perfectly, no matter how curated their IG grid is. We’re all just experimenting, learning from each other, trying things that sometimes work and sometimes very much don’t. (Which is part of the fun, honestly.)
And yeah, this part i.e. the learning the mechanics of style is where a lot of people start. Because it’s the easiest to grab onto. It’s visual. It’s satisfying. It feels productive.
But here’s the thing: it doesn’t really land if you don’t have the foundation.
If you skip Step 1, you’re just dressing for someone else.
If you skip Step 2, you’re not even sure what you are going for.
You can learn every formula in the book. You can master proportion play, color theory, shoe pairings, all of it. But if you’re not grounded in who you are—or who you’re becoming—then what’s the point? You’re just throwing on outfits that technically work but don’t say anything (or say something random). Sooner or later that starts to feel empty. We have all felt that, right? My claim is this: investing in the self is what helps with that emptiness.
That’s why all three steps matter. They hold each other up. And the more you move through them, the easier it gets. You trust your gut more. You get dressed and feel that total congruence.
Because that’s the whole point, right? Not to look “stylish” by someone else’s standards. But to look like you. On purpose.
So how do you find your personal style?
It’s really as simple3 as 1-2-3:
Get to know yourself like it’s your job.
Decide how you want to show up, and describe it in 3 words (or somehow).
Unlearn the rules that don’t serve you, and learn the visual language that does. Play, adjust, repeat.
I know this isn’t a neat little answer. It’s not “just get this blazer” or “add a red lip.” If you’ve made it this far, you probably agree that it’s a beast of a process. But it’s worth it. Even if all you want is better outfits.
When your style is rooted in self-awareness and clarity, it doesn’t fall apart when trends shift. Or when your body changes. Or when life throws a curveball.
And here’s the part I don’t want you to miss: This practice is ongoing. It evolves as you evolve. That’s not a bug, it’s the magic.
And it’s fun. It’s play. It’s experimenting. It’s trying something on and laughing because it’s a hard no, and trying again anyway.
And honestly, style might be the only part of your life that’s just for you. Not your boss or your kids or your mom. And for women—who are trained from birth to give away their time, their bodies, their attention—doesn’t that make it even more worth doing?
SO while this might not have been a quiz you can take that spits out a perfect little answer for you, I have a feeling you already know it’s not going to be a one and done easy answer. If it was, you would have it already.
The whole point is it is a journey, and we are on it together!
Btw, while I was in the process of writing this one,
published this stellar post that I highly recommend you read if you haven’t yet (I mean, why not though?).
Very important to note, a lot of this comes with age. And it keeps getting better. I bet I will understand myself a lot better in 10 years than I do now. So if you are, say 20 years old, I don’t expect you will have yourself all figured out (I mean, I am twice that age and I still don’t). But I am asking you start trying to decode this. It helps!
Extremely aware this is not a comprehensive list. I restack educational posts when I see them, but 100% sure this is not a complete list
Simple and Easy are two different things, I recognize that. This is half sarcasm.
Um . . . I am effing FLOORED! Such wisdom, packed into an efficient piece of brilliant writing. My brain is full. I’ve got lots to think about now, lots to DO! Also, this post just converted me from a free to paid subscriber. Best thing I’ve read on fashion maybe ever. Rock on!!
Cannot believe you give away this brilliance for free!!! Your mind is wonderful and we are all so lucky you’re so skilled at conveying these gems in writing.