Yesterday, I dressed in a way that felt authentic to me yet still respectful of the context—a new hire work reception. I wore a periwinkle Pleats Please top, vintage grey pleated trousers with a lot of ease, and of course the beige patent leather Mary Janes. Composed (obvi), adventurous (periwinkle + grey + beige, interesting proportions), and energetic (dynamic pleats), yet still fitting in and professional. I’m still working on claiming my identity as a scientist, but I am one! And this [me!] is what a scientist looks like!
And your story... oh my gosh, that is exactly it. It's so incredible to hear you put it into practice like that. I love how you broke down the outfit. the periwinkle, the pleats, the Mary Janes. It’s that perfect tension of being composed and professional while still being entirely and wonderfully you.
But what truly landed for me was that last line. "This is what a scientist looks like!" YES. That's the whole point. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's a perfect example of what it means to use your space and own it.
Loved this article—and how you were “teaching us” while we read. It’s so easy to fall into dressing like everyone else just because it feels easier. This was such a good reminder not to dress smaller or out of fear of looking different. Fashion and style should be fun, but I also understand now that not everyone has the same freedom to wear whatever they want. Thank you for putting that into perspective.
Thanks so much! I'm so glad the piece resonated with you. You've hit on the exact thing I was trying to get at. it's so easy to just fall into dressing like everyone else because it feels, well, easier.
I really appreciate you seeing the deeper point about privilege, too. It’s so important to remember that not everyone has the same freedom to play with their style, and I'm grateful you took the time to reflect on that.
"But other times the barrier isn’t the system—it’s internal. It’s us, editing ourselves down when nobody’s even asking us to."
We do it to ourselves!
I'd like to add ageism and sizeism to this too. Ageism is so sneaky (it's SO baked into our brains) - so many of my 50-something friends feel like they "should" dress differently, tone it down or just give up on clothes/fashion/style as they age. I feel - with my own privilege of being a white woman - that I can help give them permission to be bold, not old!
With sizeism, that's even more insidious - having been a bigger woman for many years, I felt like fashion was 'not for me' because I couldn't find what I wanted to wear in my size. It's easy for someone with thin(ner) privilege to say, "Dress how you want!" but in practice, there isn't as much out there, especially if you want to shop secondhand/sustainably.
Letting go of perfection is a lifelong challenge for me - doing art has helped me deal with mistakes. I make a mistake, oh no! But I remind myself, no one sees it, no one knows...just let it go.
Thank you so, so much for this incredibly thoughtful comment. You pulled out the exact line that feels so central to this whole idea ie the way we edit ourselves, even when no one else is asking us to. It's so true.
You've brought up two incredibly important points with ageism and sizeism. You are absolutely right—they are so baked into our brains and our culture. I hadn't even considered the layer of challenge with secondhand and sustainable shopping for different body types.
That's a huge barrier that shows just how much more nuanced this conversation is.
And I love what you said about art helping you with perfection. That is the perfect parallel, isn't it? It's about accepting the imperfections, whether it's a mistake on a canvas or a moment of vulnerability in public, and just letting it go.
Thanks again for adding so much to the conversation!
love this Asta… so well put and gives me lots to think about. I grew up with brothers and their friends and hung out with them more than girlfriends because they did more things that were fun , daring and adventurous… especially my crazy brother Patrick.
I spent my career in a man’s world, medical, although more and more women were coming in at the time… but I still often found myself falling back on my woman training of not ruffling feathers. I love how you break it down into small steps, doing one daring thing every day. I did this yesterday in a meeting online where I challenged something and got a lot of pushback … and later spent too much time thinking about how I could’ve said it differently, but then I thought WTF!!! So this piece hits me at the right time, thank you for that!.
That's so great to hear. Thank you for sharing your story.
It’s really powerful that you grew up challenging those traditional gender roles. It sounds like you were already building that "DGAF" muscle long before you even realized it.
And I completely get the feeling of being in a "man's world." It’s so easy to fall back into that "woman training" of trying not to ruffle feathers. That moment of pushback you described? That's exactly what I'm talking about. The fact that you did it anyway and then had that "WTF!" moment afterward is a huge win. That's the whole point of this. So many of us have that second-guessing period, but you’re right, it's about pushing through it.
Thanks again for sharing. Your comment is a perfect example of what it means to practice this.
Love this! Privilege is contextual (as well as structural and systemic).
It’s interesting watching my teenage girls navigate this - ie. wear what feels great/me versus what’s “cool”. I feel like the kids are streets ahead of where I was at their age…so I’m feeling optimistic that progress is happening, however slowly.
Such an important point’ that privilege is so much more than just what we see on the surface; it's also structural and contextual.
And I love hearing about your teenage girls. That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. It gives me so much hope to hear that they are navigating this in a way that feels so much more intuitive than it did for us. It’s a great reminder that progress is real, even if it's showing up in the slow, personal choices of a new generation.
Love this and such important messages . I appreciate what you said about privilege. Time and money to think or enjoy fashion suggests a certain degree of privilege and I don’t think people should be uncomfortable with this but awareness is a good thing.
You're absolutely right. It's so easy to focus on the more visible types of privilege and miss these other layers. Your point is a perfect reminder that awareness is the key. It's not about being uncomfortable with what you have, but about understanding it and using it to open doors for others. Thanks for adding that to the conversation!
Thank you for writing this. I really connected with it. As a Mexican-American in a rural MAGA county, I find myself dressing “small” to avoid standing out all the time.
I felt seen reading this, and at the same time I found the advice very practical!
It reminded me of a party I went to in my little town soon after I had moved here. I complemented a woman’s outfit, and she said “well you always look stylish so I figured I’d do it too”. I took that as a huge compliment. It wasn’t competitive, it was more like, she had been wanting too, but would’ve felt out of place if she was the only one not wearing the jeans and T-shirt uniform.
I love this conversation, and it needs to be had. Privilege comes in many forms, and as you said, shifts from one room to the next. I think a lot about size privilege, and how at the end of the day, if the clothing you like doesn't come in your size - there's very little to do to overcome that barrier except for maybe making your own clothing? I'm always wondering how I as a mid-size person can 'hold the door open' for folks in larger bodies, other than promoting and shopping from inclusive brands. Thank you for engaging on the topic of privilege with nuance (not shame!)
Think a good idea when a person asks you what your caste is, is to not tell them. Human beings don't have castes, they simply don't exist. Casteism is a completely man-made construct meant to control and subjugate people who are less fortunate, to ensure that "higher castes'" own privilege continues across generations. We don't need to propagate it.
Blushing! What an honor to be quoted like that.
Yesterday, I dressed in a way that felt authentic to me yet still respectful of the context—a new hire work reception. I wore a periwinkle Pleats Please top, vintage grey pleated trousers with a lot of ease, and of course the beige patent leather Mary Janes. Composed (obvi), adventurous (periwinkle + grey + beige, interesting proportions), and energetic (dynamic pleats), yet still fitting in and professional. I’m still working on claiming my identity as a scientist, but I am one! And this [me!] is what a scientist looks like!
THANK YOU for the very insightful comment.
And your story... oh my gosh, that is exactly it. It's so incredible to hear you put it into practice like that. I love how you broke down the outfit. the periwinkle, the pleats, the Mary Janes. It’s that perfect tension of being composed and professional while still being entirely and wonderfully you.
But what truly landed for me was that last line. "This is what a scientist looks like!" YES. That's the whole point. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's a perfect example of what it means to use your space and own it.
Loved this article—and how you were “teaching us” while we read. It’s so easy to fall into dressing like everyone else just because it feels easier. This was such a good reminder not to dress smaller or out of fear of looking different. Fashion and style should be fun, but I also understand now that not everyone has the same freedom to wear whatever they want. Thank you for putting that into perspective.
Thanks so much! I'm so glad the piece resonated with you. You've hit on the exact thing I was trying to get at. it's so easy to just fall into dressing like everyone else because it feels, well, easier.
I really appreciate you seeing the deeper point about privilege, too. It’s so important to remember that not everyone has the same freedom to play with their style, and I'm grateful you took the time to reflect on that.
So good, Asta! This stuck out to me:
"But other times the barrier isn’t the system—it’s internal. It’s us, editing ourselves down when nobody’s even asking us to."
We do it to ourselves!
I'd like to add ageism and sizeism to this too. Ageism is so sneaky (it's SO baked into our brains) - so many of my 50-something friends feel like they "should" dress differently, tone it down or just give up on clothes/fashion/style as they age. I feel - with my own privilege of being a white woman - that I can help give them permission to be bold, not old!
With sizeism, that's even more insidious - having been a bigger woman for many years, I felt like fashion was 'not for me' because I couldn't find what I wanted to wear in my size. It's easy for someone with thin(ner) privilege to say, "Dress how you want!" but in practice, there isn't as much out there, especially if you want to shop secondhand/sustainably.
Letting go of perfection is a lifelong challenge for me - doing art has helped me deal with mistakes. I make a mistake, oh no! But I remind myself, no one sees it, no one knows...just let it go.
Awesome article, thank you, THANK YOU.
Thank you so, so much for this incredibly thoughtful comment. You pulled out the exact line that feels so central to this whole idea ie the way we edit ourselves, even when no one else is asking us to. It's so true.
You've brought up two incredibly important points with ageism and sizeism. You are absolutely right—they are so baked into our brains and our culture. I hadn't even considered the layer of challenge with secondhand and sustainable shopping for different body types.
That's a huge barrier that shows just how much more nuanced this conversation is.
And I love what you said about art helping you with perfection. That is the perfect parallel, isn't it? It's about accepting the imperfections, whether it's a mistake on a canvas or a moment of vulnerability in public, and just letting it go.
Thanks again for adding so much to the conversation!
This reminds me of Tara Mohr’s Playing Big — another advocate for women to claim their courage and place.
Thank you for the recommendation. I need to check that out. Appreciate it.
love this Asta… so well put and gives me lots to think about. I grew up with brothers and their friends and hung out with them more than girlfriends because they did more things that were fun , daring and adventurous… especially my crazy brother Patrick.
I spent my career in a man’s world, medical, although more and more women were coming in at the time… but I still often found myself falling back on my woman training of not ruffling feathers. I love how you break it down into small steps, doing one daring thing every day. I did this yesterday in a meeting online where I challenged something and got a lot of pushback … and later spent too much time thinking about how I could’ve said it differently, but then I thought WTF!!! So this piece hits me at the right time, thank you for that!.
That's so great to hear. Thank you for sharing your story.
It’s really powerful that you grew up challenging those traditional gender roles. It sounds like you were already building that "DGAF" muscle long before you even realized it.
And I completely get the feeling of being in a "man's world." It’s so easy to fall back into that "woman training" of trying not to ruffle feathers. That moment of pushback you described? That's exactly what I'm talking about. The fact that you did it anyway and then had that "WTF!" moment afterward is a huge win. That's the whole point of this. So many of us have that second-guessing period, but you’re right, it's about pushing through it.
Thanks again for sharing. Your comment is a perfect example of what it means to practice this.
Beautifully written piece. It’s thoughtful and also thought provoking. Thank you
I am so glad this resonated! Thank you
Love this! Privilege is contextual (as well as structural and systemic).
It’s interesting watching my teenage girls navigate this - ie. wear what feels great/me versus what’s “cool”. I feel like the kids are streets ahead of where I was at their age…so I’m feeling optimistic that progress is happening, however slowly.
Such an important point’ that privilege is so much more than just what we see on the surface; it's also structural and contextual.
And I love hearing about your teenage girls. That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. It gives me so much hope to hear that they are navigating this in a way that feels so much more intuitive than it did for us. It’s a great reminder that progress is real, even if it's showing up in the slow, personal choices of a new generation.
Love this and such important messages . I appreciate what you said about privilege. Time and money to think or enjoy fashion suggests a certain degree of privilege and I don’t think people should be uncomfortable with this but awareness is a good thing.
You're absolutely right. It's so easy to focus on the more visible types of privilege and miss these other layers. Your point is a perfect reminder that awareness is the key. It's not about being uncomfortable with what you have, but about understanding it and using it to open doors for others. Thanks for adding that to the conversation!
Well said!! ❤️❤️
Thank you for writing this. I really connected with it. As a Mexican-American in a rural MAGA county, I find myself dressing “small” to avoid standing out all the time.
I felt seen reading this, and at the same time I found the advice very practical!
It reminded me of a party I went to in my little town soon after I had moved here. I complemented a woman’s outfit, and she said “well you always look stylish so I figured I’d do it too”. I took that as a huge compliment. It wasn’t competitive, it was more like, she had been wanting too, but would’ve felt out of place if she was the only one not wearing the jeans and T-shirt uniform.
I love this conversation, and it needs to be had. Privilege comes in many forms, and as you said, shifts from one room to the next. I think a lot about size privilege, and how at the end of the day, if the clothing you like doesn't come in your size - there's very little to do to overcome that barrier except for maybe making your own clothing? I'm always wondering how I as a mid-size person can 'hold the door open' for folks in larger bodies, other than promoting and shopping from inclusive brands. Thank you for engaging on the topic of privilege with nuance (not shame!)
You make a valid point about how it can affect others, I never thought of that! thanks for the reminder and such a lovely article.
Asta, my daughters can’t read yet, but I’d be sharing this with them if they could. Thanks for sharing this!
Great thoughts
Think a good idea when a person asks you what your caste is, is to not tell them. Human beings don't have castes, they simply don't exist. Casteism is a completely man-made construct meant to control and subjugate people who are less fortunate, to ensure that "higher castes'" own privilege continues across generations. We don't need to propagate it.
Good stuff here AG