The friendship "Hit Rate" and your style
Why dressing like yourself might be a shortcut to those elusive strong adult friendships
I’m sitting here thinking this one through with you, so stay with me. This idea is still evolving in my head, but the more I look at my own life (and my closet) the more it clicks.
The realization: I think deep, “forever” friendships are more likely to happen when you start dressing like yourself.
The exhausting ‘friendship audition’
Can we just admit that making friends as an adult is the worst? It’s usually so accidental. You’re “work friends” because your desks are next to each other, or you’re “mom friends” because your kids happen to be in the same playgroup.
You end up on these “friendship auditions.” You know the ones. Those polite coffee dates where you’re both being the “best, most neutral” versions of yourselves. By the time the bill comes, you realize you have zero in common besides a zip code, but now you’re stuck in a loop of “we should do this again!” texts that never go anywhere. It’s a total drain on the little energy we already have. Have I found excellent friends via proximity? Yes! But does it always lead to success for everyone? No!
Style = vibe-check?
Here’s where the style part comes in. If I’m dressing to actually express who I am, I’m putting my mindset on a billboard.
For example, on any given day, I don’t look like “trad wife” material. My style is a bit more chill, modern, and commanding. If someone is looking for a friend whose world revolves entirely around traditional roles or “decentering” themselves for others, they’re probably going to see me and think, “Yeah, she’s not my person.”
And honestly? Thank god.
My clothes just saved us both six months of awkward small talk. They acted as a filter. But for the woman who does share my values? My outfit is like a lighthouse. She sees the signal and knows she’s found a peer before I even say “hello.”
This is why ‘safe’ outfits make it harder to find your people
I get the temptation to wear the “mask.” The safe blazer, the “I’m a normal person” sweater, the neutral uniform that lets you blend in at the office or the school run.
But here’s the problem: If you dress to fit in, you attract people who like the version of you that fits in. You end up with a group of friends who love your “mask,” but they wouldn’t know what to do with the real you. That’s how you end up feeling totally lonely in a room full of people. You’re playing a character, and characters don’t make enduring friends. Real people do.
What I’m NOT saying:
You don’t have to be “twins.” One of my best friends dresses in full-on “va-va-voom” glam. It’s sexy, it’s loud, and it’s totally different from my look. But we’re both “decentering men” in our own ways. The look is different, but the intent is the same.
This isn’t about being “fancy.” I’m not saying you need to be in a runway look to find a friend. Even on a “survival day” in sweats. Are they your kind of messy sweats? Or the ones you think you’re supposed to wear?
This isn’t Middle School. I’m not talking about dressing to join a clique. I’m talking about dressing so clearly that your tribe can actually find you in the crowd.
I am not asking anyone to ‘judge the book by it’s cover’. I am not pro or against drawing judgments based on how one looks. Not all of us have figured out how to successfully project who we are on the inside through our clothes. I sure hadn’t for a long time! I was still the same person inside. I am simply making an observation that this happens whether we like it or not. People DO draw judgments based on appearances. Should or shouldn’t debate is orthogonal to my point here.
I look at my closest friends today and they’re from everywhere. High school, college, old hobbies. I love them all. But I’ve realized the hit rate is just higher when we find each other through style.
It’s because we aren’t just “shopping” at the same places; we’re operating on the same frequency. We’re aligning on the big, non-negotiable stuff: choice, autonomy, freedom, equality, de-centering men, and the fierce need for self-expression. The filter is filtering automatically.
When you find someone who speaks that same visual language, you aren’t just making a “friend.” You’re finding a co-conspirator. And in a world that’s constantly trying to tell women to blend in or “tone it down,” a co-conspirator is worth having, no?
P.S. I want to hear your “closet-meet-cute” stories. Have you ever spotted a future best friend across a room (or across the internet) purely because their outfit told you exactly who they were? Or do you feel like you’re still hiding behind a “safe” wardrobe? Drop a comment, I’m dying to know if this resonates with you too.
This rings very true for me. I met my partner while we were both at Uni doing undergrad in 1987. He was in his final year when I started. I spotted him in a bar in 0 week. He was wearing a really cool old post office jacket, cropped wide pants and amazing thick rimmed black glasses. I decided he looked like my kind of person. Here we are almost 40 years later.....!
Can confirm: wore corduroy overalls and big messy curls to the first day of my executive coaching program and all the badass women talked to me and none of the stuffy white dudes did. Except the army strategist guy whose wife is a badass feminist dystopian YA fiction author (despite his first day suit, we are still good friends).